Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
