Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
