The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
