So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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