More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Everything about him screamed your future.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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