wat bout pragnant strippers??
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
