your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
