I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
