He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
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my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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