mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
