hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
