Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
