i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish you could order shots online.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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