Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
