fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
