Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
