just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
