How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
