Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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