you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
