what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
