last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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