why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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