he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
