Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
