she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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