my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
