OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
