everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
MIDGETS
????
Randomize
