so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
