I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
