Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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