she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
