Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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