the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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