she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
