totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
