I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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