I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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