I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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