I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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