My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
