Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
