Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
