I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
