matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
