I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
