My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
