I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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