Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
