I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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