I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
