"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
