Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
