i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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