Do you still have your period?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
