9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
