im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
