i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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