I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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